Some days are so much harder than others. I cannot even explain why. Today was no different than any other day when I look back on it but it feels like one of the worst days of my life.
How is that possible when nothing really went wrong? Nobody died. Nobody fell ill. We have enough money. I have my family, my man. The sun was shining,it was a crisp day - a day when normally I'd have loved to spend it walking with my children, exploring in the woods or at the beach.
Today I wanted to crawl into bed and never get out. I wanted my tablets to drown out the world and leave me in the soft seclusion of my duvet. I am proud of myself for getting out of that bed today because if I hadn't done that I'm not sure where I would be right now.
That's what my life has become. Proud of getting out of bed. Proud of getting food on the table. Proud of remembering to contact a friend who needs support.
Ashamed of who I am. Hating of what I have become.
Angry at depression and the pointless, helplessness of it all.
Disgusted at the way I'm behaving. Wishing things could change. Wishing I could change.
Knowing things aren't going to. At least not for now.
Today I don't feel like just a mum. I feel just a failure.
I understand how you feel. I also struggled with PND. Reading your post is like reading my mind when I was going through it. At the time I felt totally useless but looking back I am proud of pulling myself out of bed and I'm proud I managed to look after my children without throttling them (something I considered doing regularly). I'm ashamed to say at the time I sympathised and understood the women who are demonised by media for shaking their babies. I love my children but suddenly I could see how easy these things could happen and that these women were ill. But I came through it I only wish I'd had your blog then I might have sought help sooner and not felt so alone. Thank you for being brave and sharing your story you're helping so many people with your honesty. Admitting your struggles is the greatest sign of strength even if you don't recognise or feel it at the time. Take each day as it comes and congratulate yourself on every achievement no matter how small. To get dressed can feel like climbing everest give yourself the recognition you deserve and let go of the guilt. I wish you happiness today if only for a moment it will feel like a weeks reprieve x
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