Some days are so much harder than others. I cannot even explain why. Today was no different than any other day when I look back on it but it feels like one of the worst days of my life.
How is that possible when nothing really went wrong? Nobody died. Nobody fell ill. We have enough money. I have my family, my man. The sun was shining,it was a crisp day - a day when normally I'd have loved to spend it walking with my children, exploring in the woods or at the beach.
Today I wanted to crawl into bed and never get out. I wanted my tablets to drown out the world and leave me in the soft seclusion of my duvet. I am proud of myself for getting out of that bed today because if I hadn't done that I'm not sure where I would be right now.
That's what my life has become. Proud of getting out of bed. Proud of getting food on the table. Proud of remembering to contact a friend who needs support.
Ashamed of who I am. Hating of what I have become.
Angry at depression and the pointless, helplessness of it all.
Disgusted at the way I'm behaving. Wishing things could change. Wishing I could change.
Knowing things aren't going to. At least not for now.
Today I don't feel like just a mum. I feel just a failure.
Wednesday, 18 February 2015
Tuesday, 17 February 2015
Depression - Chapter 1.
I know I said the next post would be to explain about my daughters allergies and I will get that up tomorrow but this post is to explain about me. I have a moderately successful blog which I've been writing for 3 years and I love it but close friends and family members read it and sometimes I don't like to worry them so much with the depression posts. This new blog is completely unlike my last one. Here I will be open ( perhaps too much so) about depression as a young (ish) mother.about the medication which has helped and what hasn't helped. The side effects of depression that nobody really talks to you about. The seemingly never ending darkness. In that darkness the only sparks of light and joy coming from your family. Thankful for ever that they exist because right now in the world you live in unless they were there you know you certainly would not be.
I'll be chatting soon about how my depression began. After a traumatic pregnancy and birth. I'll be sharing my birth story with you, for the first time publicly. I'll explain how I went a year without medications because I wanted to breastfeed safely. About the treatment I'm receiving for PTSD and how lucky I am to be getting that. Thankful for the NHS whilst hating it too.
Most of all I'd love your help, your comments and your advice. If you got through it, how? What helped the most? What medication was no help at all? What side effects were the worse?
Right now I'm at my lowest point. I need you all. I know you are out there. Help.
I'll be chatting soon about how my depression began. After a traumatic pregnancy and birth. I'll be sharing my birth story with you, for the first time publicly. I'll explain how I went a year without medications because I wanted to breastfeed safely. About the treatment I'm receiving for PTSD and how lucky I am to be getting that. Thankful for the NHS whilst hating it too.
Most of all I'd love your help, your comments and your advice. If you got through it, how? What helped the most? What medication was no help at all? What side effects were the worse?
Right now I'm at my lowest point. I need you all. I know you are out there. Help.
Coping With Long Term Sleep Deprivation
Coping with a year of sleep deprivation
When you have a baby you expect that you will be tired and have many interrupted nights of sleep. In fact it's one of the first things people will gleefully tell you when you announce your pregnancy .. Better get your sleep in now is one of the statements I'm sure you heard before your bump was even showing.
But coping with less sleep and coping with real sleep deprivation is another matter. Our first child woke a lot for the first 13 months of her life. Initially for feeds,at times out of habit and sometimes for comfort. This we expected and although difficult we coped. Our second child introduced us to real sleep deprivation. Waking on average 20 - 30 times per night. Some nights not sleeping at all. It has meant that some days it feels that we barely function. Every day is like the newborn haze.
So how do you cope when your child actually does not sleep?
The truth?
You don't really. You don't magically find a way to continue the way you always were on little to no sleep. It's not possible. So the truth is you find a different way. It's not the way you want to live but that's kind of the deal when you become a parent. You accept life may never be the same again. And for us it really hasn't been.
This is what we do.
We get our eldest to bed around 6.30pm which fortunately is easy. She loves her bed and sleeps every night for 12 -13 hours. We then TRY to get our youngest to bed. Some nights she will go to sleep within about 45 minutes ..this is a good night. Other nights you try for an hour, maybe more before accepting you need a break or you will snap. Maybe you swap with your partner or if they are in work you take her downstairs. Downstairs she is exhausted and wants to cling to you in a not yet asleep but not quite awake state. After a few hours you find the will to try again and this times she settles ..finally. Either you or your partner go to bed at that point ..it's probably about 9.30pm. Whoever stays up ( normally me as once I take my medication I can't stay awake - but that's another story ) is on the first shift of the night. She normally wakes up for the first time within 30 minutes and then it's up and down every 20-30 minutes until 2.30am when I swap with my other half. I then head to bed for a few hours. If it's a good night we may get the odd 2 hour stretch. If it's a bad night then she will only get any stretch of sleep if she is upright on our chest.
What this means for us as a couple is that we are never in bed at the same time or rarely so. We don't get any downtime in the evening when the kids are in bed. We are snappy,tired and we have little time for each other. In short it's hard.
There is no real way to cope with long term sleep deprivation. You just change the way you live.
The next post will explain why she doesn't sleep...
When you have a baby you expect that you will be tired and have many interrupted nights of sleep. In fact it's one of the first things people will gleefully tell you when you announce your pregnancy .. Better get your sleep in now is one of the statements I'm sure you heard before your bump was even showing.
But coping with less sleep and coping with real sleep deprivation is another matter. Our first child woke a lot for the first 13 months of her life. Initially for feeds,at times out of habit and sometimes for comfort. This we expected and although difficult we coped. Our second child introduced us to real sleep deprivation. Waking on average 20 - 30 times per night. Some nights not sleeping at all. It has meant that some days it feels that we barely function. Every day is like the newborn haze.
So how do you cope when your child actually does not sleep?
The truth?
You don't really. You don't magically find a way to continue the way you always were on little to no sleep. It's not possible. So the truth is you find a different way. It's not the way you want to live but that's kind of the deal when you become a parent. You accept life may never be the same again. And for us it really hasn't been.
This is what we do.
We get our eldest to bed around 6.30pm which fortunately is easy. She loves her bed and sleeps every night for 12 -13 hours. We then TRY to get our youngest to bed. Some nights she will go to sleep within about 45 minutes ..this is a good night. Other nights you try for an hour, maybe more before accepting you need a break or you will snap. Maybe you swap with your partner or if they are in work you take her downstairs. Downstairs she is exhausted and wants to cling to you in a not yet asleep but not quite awake state. After a few hours you find the will to try again and this times she settles ..finally. Either you or your partner go to bed at that point ..it's probably about 9.30pm. Whoever stays up ( normally me as once I take my medication I can't stay awake - but that's another story ) is on the first shift of the night. She normally wakes up for the first time within 30 minutes and then it's up and down every 20-30 minutes until 2.30am when I swap with my other half. I then head to bed for a few hours. If it's a good night we may get the odd 2 hour stretch. If it's a bad night then she will only get any stretch of sleep if she is upright on our chest.
What this means for us as a couple is that we are never in bed at the same time or rarely so. We don't get any downtime in the evening when the kids are in bed. We are snappy,tired and we have little time for each other. In short it's hard.
There is no real way to cope with long term sleep deprivation. You just change the way you live.
The next post will explain why she doesn't sleep...
This Is Me.
Sometimes I need a place where I can just be a mum. No outside pressures. No workplace. No other topics. Just be a mum. This is my second blog but this is where I focus on how I parent, why I parent and my children. It's totally, utterly and completely about being a parent so if that doesn't interest you I wouldn't advise you to read on.
I won't pretend that I find being a parent easy or even natural at times. Being a mum yes. I had the immediate bond with my children, the instant knowledge that I would do anything for them but being a parent is a different matter. Being a parent means hard decisions. Being more stubborn than a 3 year old. More wily than a toddler. Finding the danger spots in every room. Letting them run wild and free in a field when your inner you is shouting hey there could be sharp things or snakes or ...well anything. Being a parent is cleaning the house and cooking meals when you have had no sleep at all. Coping with months of sleep deprivation and not screaming when someone tells you that you look tired.
This is me. I'm just a mum.
I won't pretend that I find being a parent easy or even natural at times. Being a mum yes. I had the immediate bond with my children, the instant knowledge that I would do anything for them but being a parent is a different matter. Being a parent means hard decisions. Being more stubborn than a 3 year old. More wily than a toddler. Finding the danger spots in every room. Letting them run wild and free in a field when your inner you is shouting hey there could be sharp things or snakes or ...well anything. Being a parent is cleaning the house and cooking meals when you have had no sleep at all. Coping with months of sleep deprivation and not screaming when someone tells you that you look tired.
This is me. I'm just a mum.
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